Baptism.
August 9, 2024
I am the type of person who starts TV shows and never finishes them. I haven’t watched past season two of Breaking Bad. Season two episode four is where I’ve been held up in The Sopranos for the past eight or so months. I know there is a new season of The Boys but I haven’t started it yet because frankly, I never finished the last one. I’ve never finished Dexter and I started it during the pandemic. I have been watching NCIS and House since middle school. I obviously have not finished Grey’s Anatomy because genuinely how could you. I never finished Desperate Housewives. I never finished You. I never finished Arrested Development nor Brooklyn 99 nor The Office nor The Good Place nor New Girl nor Community nor Schitts Creek nor It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I am going to be real and I’M SORRY but I will probably never finish Bridgerton no matter how fucking adicting and raunchy it is.
A lot of the time, this habit does come from laziness or distraction or just lack of intrigue. But sometimes, probably more than I’d like to admit, I don’t finish shows because I don’t want them to be over. I don’t want a resolution. I don’t want to be done. If I watch the last episode… it's over… I’m done with it… and there is now nothing new in that… universe. I’ve completed those characters and their lives and completed those characters in my life. Now what I am supposed to do.
I don’t like this finality. In general, I don’t really like finality at all. Yes, some things are beautiful because they are fleeting. But also, if I never finish it, it’s never fleeting. I’ve discovered life’s most mediocre and unrewarding loophole. Like, I am the type of person who puts the bag back in the pantry when there is only one gummy worm left. I’ve always been like that.
But I’ve been thinking about finishing a show. Or like, finishing things… in general, I guess. Recently I’ve had a lot of time on my hands and situational opportunities that have fallen into my lap that have made me think a lot about my life and how I structure it and how I act and don’t act and feel about things and myself and my actions and my personality and my relationships and my future and – and and and–
I kind of live in this fluid, groggy state of limbo, I think. I’m always like kind of doing a lot of stuff but also not really doing anything at the same time. I start a lot of things and just kind of… stop doing them, also? ButIDon’tLikeQuit? I feel like this portion of my life is kind of me being in limbo. Like a break, I guess, a pause? That might be a better word? A pause before something else. Something new.
But I can’t be expected to start something new by, like, finishing other things? Right? I can just leave everything kind of open for me to come back to if I want. Starting new opportunities doesn’t mean I have to cut the old ones immediately. Right? The things I… am… are not… yaknow… over… because like, I’m gonna, do new stuff? No question mark. A period? After that sentence? Doncha think? Right? I–
I think that I should start finishing things. I don’t like to finish things because what if something big happens and then it happens and it’s done? And done, forever?
Like, I should quit my job, probably. Definitely. I know I don’t have time in the coming semester for it and I know I could make more money working somewhere else. But that would officially end my time being a barista and honestly I really like that about myself. I think it's fun and it’s creative and I’m really good at it and it makes me sound cool. But I know I should close that chapter. Not only because I literally have to. But I need to in order to move on with my life. But quitting means I might never be able to do that again. And I don’t like letting go. I can’t let go. Especially not to something so… defining and… integral. I don’t really think this is about my job, to be honest.
Like, a lot of my diary entries even go unfinished. I get tired and I say I’ll finish them later and later comes and I have something new to talk about and I can’t really get into that old entry at the moment so I leave a few pages blank so I can come back and finish it later and then I never do because, duh, I’m in this perpetual weird state of limbo, like always, and then I finish the diary. And there is a lot of unfinished… stuff in there. And I just… rely on my memory for the blank parts. Which… my memory’s pretty good; I don’t let things go easily. Kidding! But like also not really. I’m kind of not kidding at all.
But like I should definitely finish a show soon. I shouldn’t be in limbo anymore. It's an awkward place to be in, honestly. It almost feels like when the light is shining through your blinds so brightly and you know you should get out of bed and start your day because it’s late but you haven’t done it yet. Because finishing a show is a non-committal limbo annihilator! Low stakes. It’s just a show. The worst I can lose is a few hours of my life. I’ve lost plenty of those trying to articulate my thoughts for this post.
I once had a guy I was seeing tell me he felt “really stuck” when he was around me*. Like: Okay, cool. Welcome to the club. Maybe that's just the human condition. Because looking back, I don’t really think that the times I felt stuck, I actually was stuck. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe we all always are stuck in the moment. That’s kind of how a moment works. Because yeah I have a lot of unfinished shit. But looking back, I don’t remember my life as being suspended in stagnancy. I guess I only feel like I’m in limbo when I’m not doing things, because when I am doing things, I don’t have time to think about my limbo-ness (mainly because it doesn't exist?).
I think the term “limbo” is really interesting in and of itself. Its origins are biblical and refers to babies who die before they have been baptised and therefore cannot go to heaven. They fade into non-existence. Like a suspension between heaven and hell – a void of sorts. Which to me, kind of just sounds like Earth. And life. But, what do I know. I’m not baptised. The Roman Catholic part of my family wasn’t that religious. I just, like, believe in the stars and the universe as a higher power. I mean, I was raised Jewish for fucks sake. What the fuck do I know about limbo.
(Probably a lot. But probably less than I think I do.)
* You might be thinking: “Izzy, why would you include this? It does not speak well to you nor your character!” I am going to take this boy’s statement with a grain of salt. It was said to me after I told him I didn’t think it was gonna work out and that we should part ways. So… take that with what you will. I honestly think it is kind of funny. There are a lot of things you could insult about me and that is what you chose?