Taking What I Want.
February 23, 2024
There is this sort of mindset throughout greater society that men ask women out. I remember going to junior assembly when I was young, a club where they teach you manners and etiquette. Most importantly, young men and women learn how to interact in the real world as ladies and gentlemen. You might be wondering how young girls and boys are to learn the intricacies of male-female relationships in society in a classroom setting, and let me tell you, it’s an ingenious method they came up with: ballroom dancing lessons. You heard me right: as an awkward gangly girl sixth grader, I was made to ballroom dance with sweaty pre-pubescent boy sixth graders. To learn etiquette. Yeah. It makes no sense. If anything, junior assembly taught me one thing that I now know to be very true about myself: I like to take what I want.
Back in the sixth grade, I was not the world’s most beautiful girl. I was very awkward; I had frizzy curly hair brushed into a side part; I had the beginnings of what was going to become a very big butt (which is good for me now, but was very odd back in the day); I had the most sixth grade dress on with some shoes that were probably too high for me at that age (at the age of eleven, my mom thought makeup was to mature, but stilettos were not?); I was not what one would call a “popular girl.” I was never, and have never, to that fact, been a popular girl. That being said, I am not unpopular. But I would not say I am explicitly popular. That contributed to my junior assembly experience as a kid: I was known to my peers but not beloved.
Junior assembly taught young adult men and women their place in societal roles through the way that they ran the ballroom dancing section of the class: the young men would get to walk around, scout out some chick, and then ask that lovely young women to dance with them. The young women, on the other hand, have to sit in our little cushioned church chairs and wait for some boy to ask us to dance with them. And if we didn’t get asked to dance, we would either not dance with anyone or dance with some other poor unchosen girl (which was very taboo back in that day). Either way, it was truly embarrassing not being chosen. And that was an embarrassing moment I experienced very, very often. I remember trying to seductively stare down the “cute” boys from my grade so that they would notice me and ask me to dance – which, by the way, never worked. I always wanted to be chosen first, or at least not last, but alas, I hardly ever chosen at all. And when I was chosen, it was by some extra awkward gawky pimply sweaty dirty boy that you want to say no to but can’t because you are not allowed to say no to boys who ask you to dance. I remember thinking how unfair this dumb system was – why couldn’t I choose who I wanted to dance with? Why did I have to wait for some cute boy (by middle schooler metrics) to come up and ask me? I didn’t go to the same school as most of the boys I found cute, and they mainly just picked the girls they went to school with (and were less weird than me). This was unfair! They probably don’t know that I want to dance with them, so let me ask them!
I’d love to say that I stood up for women of all ages to those stuffy waspy old ladies that ran Junior Assembly and told them that girls are not just objects to be chosen and we can also choose what we want our societal standing to be with men! That taking what you want is not just a trait bestowed solely upon men, but as a woman I will also take what I want! I’d really like to say I did this, but I did not; I just sat in silence during the majority of the class then went home and secretly cried about it later that night. Also I was literally eleven and probably was not capable of this much complex thought.
Looking back at it, this is something that should be unnecessary to say — I am a human being with free will and can do what I want, when I want to do it, and if I want something, I can try to get it. But there’s this weird stigma around girls asking for what they want. Yes in the workplace and yes in the family unit, but for my purposes, most importantly, it’s almost unspoken-ly considered weird for girls to ask for what they want in a dating sense.
To start, I don’t know any girls with boyfriends that asked them out first. And for a while, I always considered that I would never ask out man (a boy, let’s be real, I’m still in college). I am amazing enough to be asked out and I would never stoop so low to beg a man (boy) to go out with me. They should be begging me.
Let’s just say one thing: this is a really fucked mindset. And although I did “adhere” to it for what I thought was the majority of my sentient life, I realized recently I never actually lived by that. I would ask to hang out with a boy if I wanted to hang out with them. What was the big deal? I love being asked to hang out, wouldn’t they also feel the same way? It’s not like asking someone to spend an hour or so of their life with you is really that fucking weird. But as a girl, we’re made to believe that is weird. Why? Like, in some way, it’s not cool to want something. Or if you do, you should want it in silence. Or just want it to your friends while you’re sitting on the couch eating ice cream thinking about how much you want it.
Maybe it’s because I’m an only-child and I always had to ask for what I wanted as a kid, and a majority of the time, I got it. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Oh here goes some spoiled brat only-child talking about how she should get exactly what she wants all the time. But believe me, this is not what I mean at all. What I mean is that, growing up, I had to use my words and ask for exactly what I wanted. I didn’t have a sibling to conspire with or anyone to bitch and moan to about what I wanted and hope in some way that it got back to my parents via the grapevine of the divinity of the universe. My parents are also divorced, so I could never ask one parent and hope they’d convince the other parent. I most literally had to be vocal about places I wanted to go, things I wanted to buy, and people I wanted to sleepover after our playdate.
Regardless of what made me how I am, I can’t help the fact that I hate waiting for other people to act. Maybe he’ll text me! Or I could just text him first? Maybe it’s just because I am super impatient? But also, what if someone doesn’t know I want to talk to them? There’s always this “if he wanted to he would” mindset around women. Well you want to and you’re not. Maybe he’s thinking “if she wanted to talk to me she would”. Maybe he doesn’t know you want to talk to him at all. Maybe he’s thinking this maybe he’s thinking that whatever he’s thinking you will never know it, that is, unless you ask. I don’t mean literally asking “what are you thinking”, but instead I mean just asking for moment to possibly find out naturally. And I am not sitting here trying to give advice, this is simply what I live by. Or try to live by. I am not immune to the thought process that I should be chased and never be the chaser. I am not immune to thinking, “Oh my god, is it weird for me to ask him out because I’m a girl?” I am not immune to thinking all the same thoughts that all other girls have been conditioned to think when we like someone. Or just want to get to know someone. Because it’s not a crazy ask to want to get to know someone to see if you would like them. It’s funny how a generation that is so focused on “being friends before dating” is also the generation that often fucks someone they don’t know very well then never speaks to them again (I am not immune). Like at that point you got the most awkward part over, now just converse over some food and see if this is something you’d like to pursue.
The best and worst part of asking for what you want is the great possibility you might not get it. Most things I ask for in this day and age I don’t get. But like, I asked. I’m not sitting wondering if someone else is wanting to ask. In some way, rejection is better than that grey area of the unknown. Because nothing feels better than moving on from something that meant something to you. Even if it was brief and fleeting. Don’t get me wrong, rejection sucks a lot. And I hate it just as much, if not more, than the regular person. But at least I know one way or the other. And at least I never wonder what could have been. I know that it couldn’t have, and in a way, that brings me peace. Because what if I never asked?
I can say, for the most part, I regret the things I haven’t asked much more than the things I have.